Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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