I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
