update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
