you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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