just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
