P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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