hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
