Jerry, you need to find god
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
