1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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