you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
