"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I didn't shave. On purpose
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
