i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
