my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize