My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
