Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
