That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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