You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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