to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
