paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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