apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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