I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
