genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
