I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
