Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Watching her eat just hurts me
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
