Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
