its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
