I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
