The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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