you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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