I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
