we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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