should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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