it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
