then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
