we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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