god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
