dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Sext me about skeletons
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
