I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize