and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
