only if we run a train.
done.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
