If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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