No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
