you guys were way drunker than both of me
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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