Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
