My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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