I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
