Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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