At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
