I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
