I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
