my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
