it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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