your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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