I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
