Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
