is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
