It's like God shit irony all over that family
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
