So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize