I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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