so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
